8 Focal Points for Deeper Listening

listening, communicationEarly in your career, your idea of being a good communicator might have been making cogent arguments and clearly expressing yourself verbally and in writing. This would prove your capability.

But those things, while very important, are not the keys to becoming really great at communication.

With experience and more confidence in yourself, you gradually discover that communication is less about how you express yourself and more about how deeply you listen to others. Listening allows you to focus on what is important to others. In turn, you can then tailor your communication to them to find common ground or to respond appropriately.

Listening requires that you move beyond merely hearing the words expressed by others. Instead it requires that you tune into communication aspects other than words. Like the insight tied to your “3rd Eye”, it’s as if your physical ears are tuned to the words used and your “3rd ear” is tuned to a deeper level.

Use your “3rd ear” to listen for one or all of the following to deepen your listening:

Commitments, Aspirations, Point Of View, Interests

What is important to this person that they would put whatever it took into accomplishing, preserving, exemplifying, etc.? What’s their vantage point?

Emotions, Fear or Disappointments

Based on tone of voice, word choice, and facial expressions, what is the overriding feeling this person is experiencing and what does that tell you? What might they regret or want to avoid?

Values or Priorities

For which principle(s) are they taking a stand? What’s important to them?

Analogies

Are they using similes, metaphors, or other comparisons? How can these analogies apply to the way forward?

The Crux of the Matter

What is at the heart of their message that they might not have put into words?

Impacts

How did you or someone else impact them? Did it help or hinder them in their pursuit?

How to Help or Serve

Underneath it all, are they asking for or do they want/need something from you?

Simply Hold Space

Sometimes, others just need a witness as they wrestle with a conundrum or to clarify their own thinking. You don’t really need to DO anything. Your presence alone is enough.

Next time, you’re listening to someone, practice zeroing in on one of these areas. What do you hear? How does it add to their words and your understanding?

 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, BLOG OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this information with it: Beth Strathman works with leaders who want to confidently become the leaders they are meant to be while maximizing the “people side” of business. Learn more at: firebrandconsultingllc.com.

5 Signs You Shirk Responsibility When Communicating

angerCommunicating effectively is probably the most common area where most leaders need to grow. In fact, a 2016 Harris poll found that 69% of managers surveyed said that they’re often uncomfortable communicating with employees. I wager that discomfort comes from not knowing how to connect with the other person in a way that both of you will leave the conversation on the same page and feeling respected and heard. First, however, you must become aware that you’re not taking responsibility in your interactions with others.

One simple (but not easy) technique to take responsibility and thereby improve your communication with others comes from the teachings of Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg on Non-Violent Communication (NVC). Dr. Rosenberg’s teachings are based on consciously taking responsibility for yourself during any conversation. When you do this, you tune into your own observations, negative emotions, and underlying unmet needs that are shaping negative reactions you may have in a given situation. You can then make a request of the other person that will allow you to meet those needs. You will create connection and understanding by discerning and meeting your own needs and the needs of others.

Here are 5 signs that you might be shirking responsibility and inhibiting your ability to communicate effectively:

1. If I don’t get what I want from an interaction, I give up and blame the other person for not understanding.
2. If business results are poor, I look at what other’s did or failed to do to cause them.
3. Under pressure, I get reactive and express my first impulse or feeling regardless of how it will impact others.
4. When in a conflict with another, I don’t give in and wait for them to apologize first.
5. Even if others admit mistakes, I often hold a grudge and have a hard time working effectively with them in the future.

If even one of the above statements describes you, consider taking a hard look at your responsibility in that instance. Leadership requires you to look at yourself first and to shoulder the responsibility for everything that happens on your watch. Learning more effective communication techniques, like those taught in NVC, can help you do just that.

 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, BLOG OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this information with it: Beth Strathman works with business leaders who want to increase productivity and retention by shifting their focus from daily tactical work to the strategic work required to move their companies forward. Learn more about her company Firebrand Consulting LLC at: firebrandconsultingllc.com.


Thanks to Julie Warr of The Compassion Connection for being my podcast guest.

Julie-Warr-NVCJulie Warr has a passion for compassion. Inspired after her attendance at the 2015 Parliament of Religions, followed by a serendipitous suggestion from her coach, Julie explored the teachings of Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of the Center for Non-Violent Communication. For Julie, “the heavens opened, angels sang, and my mind lit up”. She knew she had found what she was meant to do.

Although she still works full-time in the financial services industry, Julie continues to pursue what she considers her life’s work. She is in the process of forming a non-profit organization, with the intention of bringing NVC to Salt Lake City. Julie and I met at her office recently to talk about NVC and how it can be used in the workplace to create more satisfying, productive, and peaceful interactions. You can find out more about Julie’s endeavor,The Compassion Connection, on Facebook and Instagram. You can contact her at juliewarr.nvc@gmail.com.

What to Do When Someone Speaks Their Truth to Your Power

communication, leadershipSpeaking truth to power is something Americans believe in wholeheartedly. We love historical examples of the Founding Fathers sending a message to King George and of reformers like Martin Luther King, Jr. Americans revel in the stories of investigative journalists and whistle blowers who call out the hidden misdeeds of corporations and governments.

However, what do you do when you are the person in power on the receiving end of someone else’s truth? It’s not easy to hear a customer, employee or board member’s negative opinion of a decision you made or an action you took. However, you are not an absolute ruler. With leadership comes the responsibility to account for your decisions and actions and to deepen relationships by being trustworthy.

With that, here are some things to keep in mind for times when someone speaks their truth to your power:

1.    Put your ego aside.

Most of your actions and decisions aren’t about you personally anyway; they are or should be done for the good of your organization.  For this reason avoid getting defensive because you took criticism personally. Sometimes, another’s critique is more about himself than it is about the action you took. One way to avoid getting defensive is to . . .

2. Listen for commitment.

Be respectful, humble and vulnerable enough to hold the space for the other person to say what they have to say.  And as they speak, give them the benefit of the doubt by listening for what positive principles or values they are committed to in the end. By focusing intently for the core idea the other is communicating to you, it’s very possible you will be able to identify common ground.

3.  As an on-going process, consider creating the position of “fool” or “devil’s advocate”.

Your direct reports and other employees know where their bread is buttered.This can create a situation where they don’t speak up for fear of losing your favor or their jobs. Take a cue from indigenous cultures that have the role of the sacred clown and medieval monarchs who had court jesters or fools. It was their job to entertain and to enforce the rules of the group by highlighting what was proper and what was not, even by sometimes poking fun at others, including a King or Queen.

Alternatively, you can invite an outside observer, like a coach or consultant, to get a bead on the inconsistencies others notice but don’t voice aloud.

4.    Create a process that allows observations to move from the “bottom”, up to leadership levels.

Front line employees are often the first to see the disconnect between the company’s “walk” and its “talk”. A process that allows issues and opinions to bubble up and to be addressed could be as general as a survey, or it could include periodic forums where employees interface with leadership to discuss the impact leadership decisions make in practical terms.

Hearing the “truth” that someone else is living need not feel like an attack. Instead, it can be a great opportunity to find out how your intentions are translating into others’ reality.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, BLOG OR WEBSITE?
You can, as long as you include this information with it: Beth Strathman works with leaders to maximize the “people side” of business and evolve into the leader they want to become. Learn more about her at: bethstrathman.com.

You Versus Your Management Role

management roleI once worked with an elementary school principal had learned from credible sources that this long-term substitute was a fairly regular user of marijuana.

The principal pondered, “This isn’t a problem, is it?  I mean, I haven’t really seen her smoke pot. She’s a great employee – she’s here on time every day, the students like her, and she’s doing a good job.  I mean, there’s nothing I can do, right?  I would be violating her employment rights if I told her she couldn’t work here any longer, right?”

Heavy sigh.  Obviously, this school principal was trying to convince himself that he didn’t need to address the situation.  (I mean, really . . . how many of us know someone who smokes a little weed from time to time.)  I knew I had to offer this principal a quick lesson on the difference between his personal boundaries and those required of him as school principal.

When you accept a job in any organization, you are not paid simply to show up and be your sweet little ol’ self; rather, you are paid to step into a role that serves the organization.  Moreover, in a management or other leadership position, you are paid to represent the interests of the company.  I like to think of it as literally stepping into a suit of clothing that represents the position.  For example, this individual was required to step into the role of “manager” or “school principal”.  Sounds simple enough.

When stepping into a managerial role, it can be really easy to make the transition from yourself as “individual person” to “manager”. But  your personal values, beliefs and ways of operating must align to a great degree with those required in the work role.  The rub comes when your personal values, beliefs, and ways of operating are either more expansive or restrictive than those required of your company and/or role.

This is where this school principal was having a hard time:  He saw this substitute teacher as a “good employee”, so why would the school district care about whether or not she smoked pot at home.  After all, weren’t dependable employees hard to come by?  Why would he need to do anything as long as the substitute wasn’t bringing pot into the workplace?

In short, he was looking at the situation using his more “open” personal values and beliefs, instead of viewing the situation through the lens required of his position as school principal (which dictated that he enforce the school district’s drug policy along with the public policy consideration of holding those working with students to a higher standard than the average Joe).

How easy is it for you to accept and live by the values and beliefs of your company?  As a manager or leader in your company, are you aware of your responsibility to represent the company’s interests even if you don’t fully agree with them?  When you hire new employees (management or otherwise), how do you determine whether or not there is alignment between their personal values and beliefs and those of the company?  And how does your company convey its expectations to managers about carrying out the role as company representative?

 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, BLOG OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this information with it: Beth Strathman works with leaders to maximize the “people side” of business and evolve into the leader they are meant to become. Learn more about her at: firebrandconsultingllc.com.