2 Signs You’re a Leader Who Kills With Kindness

You see yourself as one of the most caring leaders on the planet. You really listen to your employees and their complaints. You work hard to create good relationships with your direct reports, seeking to be a special type of boss to them.

You do what you can to make things better for a distressed employee, whether that is:

disregarding policy to give someone extra leave;
loaning money to an employee who can’t make ends meet;
frequently adjusting someone’s work schedule to accommodate their busy personal life even if it doesn’t make sense for the business; or
allowing an employee to miss a deadline because you didn’t want to be the bad guy.

The current research points to “likeability” (meaning treating others with respect) as a valuable leadership trait. Yet, you routinely go beyond seeking respect when you:

Focus Excessively on the Relationship.

You see self as caring and take pride in that. You consider leaders who are “task-focused” to be uncaring louts. However, you take kindness and caring to extremes. To let employees know you are “on their side”, you might find yourself gossiping or leaking bits of confidential information to them. You might even bad-mouth other leaders in the company to curry favor with direct reports. You flatter employees or do nice things for them with a hidden agenda of getting loyalty, recognition or a compliment back. You have a hard time saying “no”.

Consequently, you placate an employee by ignoring applicable policies or work expectations when an individual exception isn’t warranted. You often choose to do a favor for one direct report over the long-term cohesiveness or “good” of the group. However, when others don’t reciprocate your kindness in ways you expect, you feel resentful.

Have Poor Boundaries.

Your intent focus on creating a special relationship with others leads to poor boundaries. This shows up as giving unsolicited advice or sharing too much about your personal life in hopes that others will trust you with their secrets, which you believe validates you as a caring boss.

An indication of poor physical boundaries includes putting your arm around someone’s shoulder to show understanding or hugging others when a handshake is customary. Beyond the physical boundaries, you stay too involved your direct reports’ work assignments and jump into to rescue them by doing the work or solving problems for them when they run into snags.

It feels so good to be the person others go to for help and advice. Ah, the exhilaration of being needed! Except that when you do for your employees what they can do for themselves, you’ve made it about your competence instead of about their personal and professional growth. Give them permission to fail and to learn from experience. Support their evolution as individuals who are resilient, resourceful and strong.

What to Do When Your “Open Door” Becomes the Gateway to Drama

A well-intentioned “Open Door” policy can become its most problematic policy. The purpose of these policies is to foster communication between rank and file employees and management in order to share ideas and to address issues of concern such as safety, productivity, pay, etc. So far, so good. (Most companies have separate policies and procedures distinct from the Open Door policy, which allow employees to lodge formal complaints about safety violations or discrimination and harassment issues for formal investigation.)

As with most issues inside organizations, it’s not the Open Door policy itself that’s the problem – it’s the implementation. Sadly, most organizations are unaware that their desire to foster open communication between employees and management actually fuels drama and a lack of accountability. This occurs because most Open Door policies are mismanaged by overly-helpful supervisors and used by unhappy employees who didn’t get what they wanted. The result is a lot of unproductive conversation and reinforcing the notion that complaining employees simply need to dump their unhappiness at a supervisor’s feet in hopes that the supervisor will charge off and give a co-worker or a lower level supervisor “what for”.

Common issues that come through the “open door” sound like,
• “My co-worker (or supervisor) is mean to me.”
• “My supervisor won’t let me take vacation.”
• “Sally doesn’t pull her weight, and I’m tired of doing her job.”

In my experience, the most common misuse of the Open Door policy occurs when an employee disagrees with something that’s going on and believes his perspective is the right perspective, while everyone else is to blame. This could involve anything from disagreements with a co-worker to disagreeing with decisions made by a supervisor, receiving negative feedback, disliking an assigned task, or being denied time off. In these situations, no policy has been violated, and there is no inappropriate supervisory behavior (although the employee might intimate there is). The employee simply doesn’t like what a co-worker or supervisor communicated, decided, or assigned. So the unhappy employee goes shopping for a sympathetic ear and someone to solve the problem.

This is highly problematic as it usually sucks everyone into a drama triangle. The employee, playing the role of Victim, complains of a co-worker or supervisor, who is (often unwittingly) cast in the role of Persecutor because he interfered with something the employee wanted. The unhappy employee walks through the “open door” as Victim to visit a supervisor, seeking a Rescuer, who will heroically step in to save the day, magically solve the employee’s problem, and right the alleged “wrong”. And most supervisors take the bait and are easily sucked into this.

Meanwhile, work has been interrupted and productivity declines.

With a little boundary setting and just-in-time employee coaching, these types of situations can be diffused and turned around relatively quickly with the employee retaining the responsibility for accounting for their own behavior and solving their own problems. Here are some tips to avoid drama, empower employees, reinforce accountability, and avoid being dumped on, triangulated, or manipulated into Rescuer mode:

1. Stop Interpreting the Term “Open Door” Literally.

An Open Door policy does NOT require managers to keep their doors open 100 % of the time and be 100% available to 100% of everyone who stops by. This is highly inefficient and not helpful.

Instead, an “open door” signifies an open attitude to discussing issues of concern with employees. This may mean that an employee schedules a time to talk, or that the employee meets with the manager during specified “Open Office Hours” when employees are indeed free to drop by without appointment.

Making oneself so accessible only trains employees to reactively run to managers to have their problems solved for them. In fact, it’s likely that managers who make themselves so available have a need to be needed. Having to wait even an hour to meet with a manager can sometimes calm an employee enough that he decides the issue isn’t worth involving someone else.

2. Inform Your Team of Your Availability.

Let your employees know when you hold “open office hours” with no appointment needed or that they should schedule a time to talk if necessary. It’s also good to make sure every understands the signs for when you are not available, such as a closed door, closed blinds, etc.

3. Ban Your Inner Rescuer and Learn to Act as a Coach.

Need to be needed? It does feel good to be the one to save someone in distress, but that’s not the job of a leader. Instead, as a leader, you are charged with building the capacity of everyone you work with, and capacity is not built by solving issues for others or saving them from uncomfortable circumstances that they can work through on their own.

Rather, you build capacity by assisting others to examine the situation, list options, and choose something they can do to address the situation. For example, instead of getting mad at a co-worker for something that didn’t happen or went wrong, the employee might be better off asking the co-worker what she can do to help, so that situation doesn’t happen again. Alternatively, guided by a supervisor’s questions, the employee may decide the issue is more appropriately raised in a team meeting.

The worst thing a leader can do is to intervene on behalf of an employee and inadvertently send the message that the employee is not capable of solving most of her own issues.

4. Train Supervisors.

Make sure your supervisors understand all workplace rules, policies, and procedures, so they are less likely to run afoul of them to the detriment of their direct reports. Also, train supervisors to coach employees through issues so they do what they can within their control. This builds even more capacity within the organization.

5. Require Both Parties to Take Issues Up the Line of Report Together.

Under an Open Door policy, the vast majority of issues will go away if you require the employee (and supervisor) to be accountable for what she can do within her control under the circumstances. Unfortunately, many companies unwittingly reinforce the notion of employees as victims by allowing and even encouraging a complaining employee to circumvent the immediate supervisor and to meet with the boss’s boss (or higher) to complain under an Open Door policy. This simply reinforces the drama triangle dynamic.

In fact, I have never seen an issue come up through an Open Door policy that couldn’t be solved by having the parties examine their own capability and accountability.

For the sake of argument, if an issue appropriately escalates up the chain of command, require the parties to shepherd the issue to the next level together. This reinforces the assumption of trust between employees and management and avoids the triangulation that can occur when only one side of the story is presented in isolation. To reiterate, the overarching theme should always be to put the accountability squarely back on the shoulders of each person involved.

No one wants to see anyone in the workplace treated unfairly or to have unaddressed issues negatively affect the work. Mechanisms, like Open Door policies, that encourage raising issues for resolution are necessary. However, when the way in which we implement such policies reinforces notions of disempowered victimhood and allow for unproductive drama to get in the way of priorities and focus, it’s time to step back and determine how all employees can be encouraged to be accountable, especially when things don’t go as planned.

Daily Communication Habits Boost Leadership Presence and Impact

team; working in groups; leading groups The fact of the matter is that most leaders spend a tiny fraction of their time giving huge public speeches. Instead, leadership happens moment by moment, person by person, both through words and deeds. There are hundreds of moments like these every day. Each moment sends messages that can ripple throughout your company, with impact that you may or may not intend.

If you want a better match between your intent and impact, to earn the right to lead, and to demonstrate true leadership presence, it makes sense to work on how you show up in each of these moments throughout the day.

Specifically, you can ask yourself the following questions:

What messages do I send based on HOW I spend my time?
What messages do I send based on the people WITH WHOM I spend my time?
What messages do I send based on how I allocate resources?
Am I authentic when I speak, or do I come across as manipulative and even dishonest?
Do my deeds match my words and what we say our company stands for?
Who get my praise? my criticism?
What behaviors or results am I tolerating that I shouldn’t be tolerating, and what messages am I sending as a result?

How well you present at those “big speeches” is something to consider. However, it’s not even close to what really makes a difference — when you communicate every minute of every day as a leader.

4 Leadership Focal Points to Guide the Way

focus, clarity I haven’t met a leader yet whose day is not full of information, fast-paced action and distractions. At any given moment, you are bombarded with input from multiple directions. To appear “in control” and competent, you feel you have no other choice than to react to the situation demanding you immediate attention. Now! Yet, when you reflect on your day, you don’t seem to have gotten anything done. You are exhausted. How can this be?

The problem is failing to focus on what’s important.

Here are four tips for keeping your leadership eyes focused in the right direction:

1. Focus on making a difference with your employees.

Employees admire leaders who have a positive impact on others. It shows that you understand that you are not the center of the universe and that you are here to serve others. So, maximize the impact of you have on others by shedding your Superman cape. Instead of you taking responsibility to react and solve the problem or provide an answer, coach those around you to think through possible answers or responses to the issue. It not only shows your employees that you care enough to take the time to include them in the solution, but it builds capacity in those around you and relieves you of shouldering all responsibility.

2. Focus on being credible.

According to Kouzes and Posner, the one characteristic employees look for in their leaders is credibility. You don’t have to be perfect, but to build and keep credibility, you must demonstrate competence, meaning you can cogently converse about what’s going on in your organization and industry and deliver on what you say. You must be forward-looking to help your organization adapt to changing market conditions. You must be transparent and honest, so others will believe what you say over time. Finally, you must be inspiring, meaning that you can communicate to others how they are part of something bigger than themselves and can achieve great things.

3. Focus on a common vision.

Crafting a vision for your organization takes work. The REAL work starts when you start making that vision a reality. Communicating the vision in ways others can relate to and support takes constant effort and stewardship. Keeping the vision in focus for others is a daily task that leaders must do. You must “walk the talk” and live the vision by being an example and use that vision to constantly frame the work done in your organization — everything from how a receptionist greets visitors to the principles used to make big decisions about products and services.

4. Focus on learning.

Be open to looking at things in new ways. Be curious as you approach new technologies or even problems. Ask questions. Always seek to improve yourself by getting feedback on how you’re doing. And view the workplace as one, big scrimmage field where people can take chances, practice and fail, and learn from their mistakes.

So, at the end of the day, ask yourself:
• Did I make a positive difference with at least one employee today?
• Was I credible?
• Did I further our mission and vision?
• Did I learn something new today?

Enabling Versus Empowering in the Workplace

Do you have employees who are poor performers or who don’t get along with others and who have been in your company for too long? Why?

There is no reason why you should tolerate employees who continually produce substandard work, exhibit unsatisfactory attendance, or who behave badly as a general rule. Yet, you, like most leaders, have at least a few of these employees. The sad fact is that you have no one to blame but yourself. Even in the public sector, where employees are entitled to “due process” before they are fired or demoted, it is very do-able to address the performance and behavior issues and even discharge someone, if warranted.

The issue is often includes a co-dependent manager, who would rather be liked than hold the employee accountable. Another word for it is “enabling”. Enabling behavior encourages the “bad” employee to continue being bad. It’s the same dynamic between loved ones and an addict, which prevents the addict from addressing her addiction –like allowing drug use in your home or giving the alcoholic money for rent because she used the rent money to buy booze. If you are “walking on eggshells” around an employee in your organization and avoiding a necessary conversation about unmet expectations, chances are, you are part of an enabling dynamic.

When you are an “enabler”, you prevent or interfere with holding the employee accountable to acquire new competencies. It keeps her stuck in her unproductive performance and poor behavior. Enabling keeps the employee believing she has no power or control over her life , her work, and her self-efficacy. You become complicit in reinforcing unproductive behavior such as procrastination or passivity by not expecting more. In short, if you are a co-dependent manager, you are silently communicating that the “bad” employee is not capable of changing and is not capable of taking responsibility for her performance or her actions.

Here are some examples:

Looking the other way when the employee mistreats a customer or co-worker.
Talking yourself out of addressing an issue as you pretend “it isn’t that bad”.
Giving the employee adequate performance reviews, so you don’t have to justify your observations of inadequate performance.

By avoiding the issue, you are effectively ignoring your duty to the organization and to the rest of the employees who are meeting company expectations.

If you are enabling an employee, you might fear the reaction from an under-performer if you address the work issues. Like the addict or alcoholic, the enabled employee will most likely have an emotional outburst that deflects the attention away from herself as she points the finger at others, including you. Not a comfortable place to be. In short, it’s just easier to tolerate the substandard employee and hope it doesn’t get any worse than it already is.

The healthier way of dealing with the substandard employee is to expect more of her by empowering her. But this takes guts, an acknowledgment that it’s your job as a manager to do this, and a belief that it is better to respected than to be liked.

Empowering is behavior that expects the employee to acquire new competencies for better performance. It increases the employee’s sense of control or power over a situation, and encourages the learning of new coping abilities to replace the unwanted behavior or performance.

What does empowering look like? Good old-fashioned management:

Talk to the employee about what you are experiencing, giving her a chance to explain;
Restate your expectation for what acceptable work product or behavior looks like;
Offer or require training if appropriate for the issue at hand;
If applicable to the situation, ask the employee for options for how she can do things differently to achieve the results you expect;
Follow up and follow through with the employee to make sure the necessary changes are taking place;
If the necessary changes do not occur, start summarizing your conversations about performance or behavior with the employee in writing, and escalate the formality of the written summaries from a warning to reprimands to a letter of suspension or termination as warranted and according to your company policy.

As with many things, if you want an employee to change, you might have to change first.

Delivering Performance Feedback without Performance Evaluation Forms

I often rail against the typical, formulaic performance evaluation. So, if typical performance evaluation forms aren’t effective for communicating a manager’s desired performance from employees, then what is?

Simple . . . a little something I like to call, “communication”. (Assuming you did a decent job of hiring a qualified, sane person for the job in the first place.)

I’m a big proponent of the adage a la Oprah that when “people know better, they do better”. And for employees to know what “better” looks like, managers have to talk to them. In turn, for managers to talk to employees, managers can’t be conflict avoidant. So here are some tips for giving performance feedback to your employees:

Focus on an employee’s strengths.

If possible, assign employees to work on tasks and projects that will utilize their strengths. They still must be able to perform the essential job functions, but when there’s a choice steer them to what they do best.

Communicate clear expectations to employees.

One of the biggest misconceptions managers have is that the employee SHOULD know what to do and how to do it. Or that the employee interpreted the boss’s directions exactly how the boss intended them. Wrong. That’s why we have managers to make sure everyone’s on the same page.

Talk to employees about their work daily, weekly, and monthly.

It’s a manager’s job to talk to employees about their work, whether things are going well or whether there are problems. To do this, meet with employees at the outset of a new project to clarify your expectations and to get their input; check in with the employee regularly on an on-going basis to see if changes are required; and after the work has been done debrief with the employee to help reflect on what went right, what didn’t turn out so well, and what might be done in the future to achieve the best possible outcome.

Put your observations about an employee’s work in writing.

Whether an employee excels at the work or whether the employee’s work is shoddy, have a conversation with the employee about their work and put your observations in writing (give a copy to the employee). Letters of commendation, letters of warning, and letters of reprimand should also be placed in the employee’s personnel file.

By following these actions, managers are able to create performance feedback that is more effective, timely, and believable than using the typical pre-fab performance evaluation form.

Firebrand Consulting

Leadership & Executive Coaching | Systemic Team Coaching