How to Shift From Emotionally Reactive To Calmly Responsive

calm response Emotional reactivity indicates a lack of self-control. When you are an emotionally reactive leader, people will follow you – but out of fear rather than out of respect. And they certainly will think twice about showing initiative because they can’t predict if and how you’ll react. Alternatively, if you respond without outburts and negativity, not only will people follow you, they will respect and admire you.

Calm responsiveness shows an ability of your neocortex’s rational executive function to quell the illogical emotionality of the limbic brain. A calm response is less likely to send others into a fearful survival mode. The discipline to calmly choose your response in challenging situations gives you a better chance of displaying emotionally competent leadership as compared to “losing it”.

Taking the time to think through options and to respond consciously is a hallmark of a strong leader and can payoff big. To wean yourself of the habit of reactivity, practice 3 things:

1. Notice and acknowledge when something has triggered a reaction.

You can’t do anything about your reactivity if you don’t know when it’s happening. Often, the best sign that you are being reactive is that you experience a negative emotion – anywhere between mild irritation to an outright meltdown. That unpleasant emotion often expresses itself physically in your body. This can include a contraction in the stomach, a palpitation in the heart, or a flush in the face. When you notice these sensations, take note and acknowledge to yourself that you’re in reactive mode.

2. Do something different than your usual reaction.

When you notice your reactivity, you can break your usual cycle and choose to do something different. You won’t break your reactive tendencies if you keep allowing yourself to automatically act on the negative emotion by raising your voice, using choice words, or physically acting out. Instead you can choose to rewire your brain to create a more appropriate response.

To do this, slow down. Observe yourself from an outside perspective, like floating above yourself. Then you can try reframing the situation in the best possible light or affirming the good intentions of the other person. You could even interrupt the automatic reaction by excusing yourself and taking a short walk (like to the restroom) to remove yourself from the situation.

The goal is to interrupt your automatic negative reaction. For example, once you notice irritation or anger when stuck in traffic or cut off by another driver, reframe the traffic situation as a lucky thing because it is positioning you precisely where you need to be to avoid a problem. Or you can make up a story about the other driver’s good intentions even though an accident resulted. This way, you’ll be less likely to feed your frustration or pound on the steering wheel.

3. Practice.

Rinse and repeat. Every time you feel the negative emotions coming on, practice catching yourself and choosing a different thought or behavior. The more you practice interrupting your cycle of reactivity, the more likely you are to build new neural networks. When you do that, you will build different capabilities that are more calm and responsive to these triggering situations.

Think about the last time, you reacted negatively in a noticeable way. What did you do or say? If someone behaved that way in front of you, what would you think of that person? Is that the leader you want to be?

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, BLOG OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this information with it: Beth Strathman works with senior leaders I work with corporate leaders to increase employee engagement and retention by aligning strategy and tactics in times of rapid growth and change. Learn more about her at: bethstrathman.com.

Be the Bigger Person When Receiving Feedback

Giving quality feedback in a respectful way can be hard. Receiving feedback in a respectful way is even harder. (Even receiving positive feedback for some is difficult.) During and after receiving negative feedback in particular, do you notice you have heightened negative emotions or niggling thoughts that linger long afterwards? That just shows you care.

When I refer to feedback, I mean any information that is given to you about your own behavior, communication, or performance that is intended to make you aware of how you impacted someone else – whether good or bad. However, I’ll focus on receiving negative feedback, which often feels harder to swallow.

As a leader, you probably find yourself being the formal giver of feedback more often than a formal receiver of it. Still, there are many opportunities to receive feedback. You can solicit feedback from individuals, via employee surveys, or through a 360-degree feedback process. You may also receive unsolicited feedback from anyone at work.

Positioning yourself as a good receiver of feedback can be very powerful for you personally and as a role model for your team and the rest of your company. It really boils down to being the “bigger” person when receiving feedback.

If possible, you can practice receiving feedback on your terms by creating the best conditions possible to get feedback. These are situations where you have a lot of control by choosing the following:

the specific feedback you wan;
a non-threatening setting in which to receive the feedback; and
people you respect and trust to provide the feedback.

Even under these conditions, it can still be hard to receive any negative or constructive feedback, but these might be the best conditions for implementing these tips for receiving unsolicited, negative feedback:

1. Keep your ego in check.

Even if you are high up the food chain, you aren’t perfect and are not above making improvements. To avoid getting your ego too involved, frame the intentions of the feedback giver in the best possible light. What are their good intentions for giving you feedback?

2. Keep your power in check.

Be aware of any power differential in your relationship with the feedback giver, especially if you have more positional power. It’s important to keep emotions down, or you risk having a chilling effect on getting future feedback. If you feel yourself getting angry, defensive, snarky, or deflecting blame onto others, these reactions can be magnified by your power and send amplified shockwaves back to the feedback givers or throughout your team. Or your heightened emotions may really be signaling your insecurity around the feedback topic.

3. Gauge your intention vs. impact.

Based on the feedback, how big is the gap between how you thought you were coming across and the actual impact you had on others? For most feedback, this the heart of the matter, or the point of the feedback. Take stock. It is, however, harder to gauge if you don’t respect the person’s opinion.

4. Accept the feedback graciously.

To do this, be quiet and listen without arguing. Avoid minimizing the person’s opinion, turning the tables on them to give THEM feedback, or disputing the feedback. Maintain neutral facial expressions and body language, and at the end, simply thank the person for their input. You may ask clarifying questions if necessary to understand the circumstances, or you may ask for specific tips you could employ to do better next time.

5. Consider the feedback.

You don’t have to accept all feedback as true or helpful. Take time in the subsequent days or weeks to decide what feedback to accept or reject. You may want to test the feedback with others you trust or validate the feedback by noticing your behaviors in similar situations going forward.

6. Circle back to the person.

When you circle back, you do so in the spirit of letting them know you’ve been considering the feedback and to thank them again for their candor. You are not obligated to report on what you’re doing about it. Just touching base with them again lets them know there are no hard feelings and serves as a good model for receiving feedback without letting it adversely affect work relationship.

Finding out you’ve fallen short of someone’s expectations can be hard. It’s just an indication of the degree to which you do care about being the best you can be. However, you show your colleagues and employees how to be a great leader when you can practice what you preach and give feedback as good as you get it.

How You Might Be Undermining Your Team’s Drive for Results

I was recently asked, “How do I get my team to run with the ball instead of relying on me so much to tell them what to do? They should know how to and when to move things forward!”

Every leader wants a highly competent and motivated team who, with some planning and reflection, can move their areas of responsibility in the right direction, based on company vision, values, and goals.

When this doesn’t happen, you must look at yourself first. After all, you control the conditions employees work within. So it’s a safe bet that you might be encouraging or discouraging certain behaviors – in this case, an over-reliance on you and your opinion.

In general, I assume you have the right people in the right roles, but that is something to take a look at. Maybe a team member isn’t competent or is in the wrong role. Well, that at least tells you something about your hiring process and criteria. Maybe you need to look at that. But assuming you have capable individuals in place, here are some things to consider:

1. You could be sending mixed messages.

That is, your actions say one thing and your words say another. For example, you might tell a direct report to “run with” an idea, but if you believe that you are the smartest person in the company or that no one does as good a job as you do, you might criticize decisions your direct report makes or grill him on how things are being done, even when his judgment calls are perfectly acceptable. You might say you trust him to move forward, but you end up breathing over his shoulder for every move or even wrest back control by inserting yourself into decisions or conversations with others. In effect, your actions end up cancelling out your words.

2. You may not have set a clear path.

If your team does not know where they are going with an aligned vision, goals and priorities, they will be lost. Having a clear path forward empowers them to know what to do, when, and how to work together. That means that they won’t need to check with you so frequently about what to do next.

3. You may not have put in place supportive work structures.

If you don’t build supportive work structures, your team won’t work together the way you want, such as being interdependent, cooperative, and accountable to each others. These structures include fair compensation that is internally equitable and externally competitive, bonuses that don’t get in the way of taking appropriate risks, and recognition for things like creativity, innovation, surpassing customer expectations, etc.

4. You may not have created a culture of responsibility and accountability.

This means behavioral expectations are lacking for handling conflict, working across “silos”, taking risks, etc. Hey, we would like to think that adults do this automatically, but they don’t. You have to make sure there are clear behavioral norms in place, so your team knows how to act. And of course, you need to enforce them, too.

Assuming you have the right people on your team but are disappointed that they don’t seem to take responsibility, you are probably doing something or have failed to do something to be clear about your expectations. It all starts with you.

8 Dysfunctions That Undermine Company Culture

corporate culture, dysfunction

Do you recognize any of these archetypal energies in your workplace culture?

Business Dysfunction #1 – Shortsightedness

Inside shortsighted companies, leaders lack a clear vision, and employees are confused about the general direction in which the company is heading. With an emphasis on short-comings and deficits, these companies lack an inspired purpose. Consequently, they are problem-focused and often lose sight of the big picture.

The leadership style driving the dysfunction of shortsightedness is the Aloof Expert who spends most of the time in her head in the land of theories, ideas, abstractions.

Business Dysfunction #2 – Fear & Panic

These companies play it safe. They are risk-adverse and avoid failure at all costs, focusing on avoiding the worst case scenario, favoring comfort over growth and innovation at a cost of obsolescence.

The leadership type behind these companies are Worry Warts, who are very loyal, stable individuals. Unfortunately, they tend to be hyper-vigilant of potential threats and skeptical of almost all information.

Business Dysfunction #3 – Busy Distraction

In contrast to Fear and Panic companies, Busy Distraction companies find it hard to get in a groove. These companies want to be creative and innovative but don’t have the disciplined processes that foster focus and follow through. “Squirrel!”

The Disorganized Dreamer heads these companies as very inspirational and undisciplined: they can inspire others with magnificent ideas but don’t finish what they start.

Business Dysfunction #4 – Control & Micromanagement

In these workplaces, employees feel tightly controlled and micromanaged. It’s not necessarily that the policies and procedures are tightly monitored (although that could be the case); rather, employees can never seem to do anything right. Either their work is criticized as not good enough or their bosses take over their projects and tasks because “if they want it done, they’ll do it themselves”. These companies are short on employee appreciation and long on cracking the whip.

There are two types of leadership styles that can contribute to the Control & Micromanagement dysfunction: the Persnickety Perfectionist and the Pushy Power-Grabber. The Persnickety Perfectionist is a “black and white” thinker who focuses on flaws, criticizing and rarely praising because nothing is ever good enough. The Pushy Power-Grabber is demanding, blunt, angry, intimidating and subject to angry outbursts who desires control.

Dysfunction #5 – Disconnection & Withdrawal

With this dysfunction, things move slowly or not at all because being non-confrontational is valued. Being “nice” is rewarded with less concern for getting results. Goals might be set, but there is no penalty for failing to achieve them. Decisions are delayed or not made at all. Policies mean nothing as exceptions become the rule to keep the peace.

The leader in this company type is a Peacemaker at all costs, who avoids ruffling feathers by appeasing whoever cries the loudest. Consequently, leaders in this company don’t stand firm on anything.

Dysfunction #6 – Over-care with Lack of Accountability

This dysfunction emphasizes being helpful to others. Sounds good until you see the downsides. Leaders fail to delegate appropriately because they rescue employees by making excuses for them and/or picking up employees’ slack instead of holding them accountable. Out of the blue, the leader blows her stack because she suddenly feels taken advantage in spite of creating the situation with poor boundaries in the first place.

The corresponding leader type for the Over-care dysfunction is the Martyr. This is the person who gives and gives and gives until realizing they are not getting reciprocity, at which time they can give you a piece of her mind!

Dysfunction # 7 – Workaholic Culture

This workplace often sets huge goals and pushes its employees to get there no matter what. Failure is not an option, and peer pressure enforces showing that you’re working harder and longer than anyone else. There is nothing wrong with stretch goals and achieving great things. However, here it is all-consuming without an emphasis on guiding principles.

The leadership style that tends to drive the Workaholic Culture is the Overachieving & Ambitious Chameleon, who outwardly displays all the trappings of success – the house, the car, cool vacations – while feeling like a failure on the inside — always driven to prove herself.

Dysfunction #8 – Irresponsibility

In these companies, no one accepts accountability, responsibility, or ownership or displays integrity. It’s everyone else’s fault.

The leadership type is the Misunderstood Misanthrope, a “tortured soul” who wants to be unique and edgy but accepted by the mainstream at the same time.

2 Signs You’re a Leader Who Kills With Kindness

You see yourself as one of the most caring leaders on the planet. You really listen to your employees and their complaints. You work hard to create good relationships with your direct reports, seeking to be a special type of boss to them.

You do what you can to make things better for a distressed employee, whether that is:

disregarding policy to give someone extra leave;
loaning money to an employee who can’t make ends meet;
frequently adjusting someone’s work schedule to accommodate their busy personal life even if it doesn’t make sense for the business; or
allowing an employee to miss a deadline because you didn’t want to be the bad guy.

The current research points to “likeability” (meaning treating others with respect) as a valuable leadership trait. Yet, you routinely go beyond seeking respect when you:

Focus Excessively on the Relationship.

You see self as caring and take pride in that. You consider leaders who are “task-focused” to be uncaring louts. However, you take kindness and caring to extremes. To let employees know you are “on their side”, you might find yourself gossiping or leaking bits of confidential information to them. You might even bad-mouth other leaders in the company to curry favor with direct reports. You flatter employees or do nice things for them with a hidden agenda of getting loyalty, recognition or a compliment back. You have a hard time saying “no”.

Consequently, you placate an employee by ignoring applicable policies or work expectations when an individual exception isn’t warranted. You often choose to do a favor for one direct report over the long-term cohesiveness or “good” of the group. However, when others don’t reciprocate your kindness in ways you expect, you feel resentful.

Have Poor Boundaries.

Your intent focus on creating a special relationship with others leads to poor boundaries. This shows up as giving unsolicited advice or sharing too much about your personal life in hopes that others will trust you with their secrets, which you believe validates you as a caring boss.

An indication of poor physical boundaries includes putting your arm around someone’s shoulder to show understanding or hugging others when a handshake is customary. Beyond the physical boundaries, you stay too involved your direct reports’ work assignments and jump into to rescue them by doing the work or solving problems for them when they run into snags.

It feels so good to be the person others go to for help and advice. Ah, the exhilaration of being needed! Except that when you do for your employees what they can do for themselves, you’ve made it about your competence instead of about their personal and professional growth. Give them permission to fail and to learn from experience. Support their evolution as individuals who are resilient, resourceful and strong.

team, purpose, trust, psychological safety, goal

5 Reasons Your “Team” is Not a Team

Although there are countless books about creating better teams, participating on and leading teams remains a top frustration in most companies. Here are 5 reasons your “team” might not actually be one:

1. There are no shared goals or values.

Your “team” may believe it is working together and headed in the same direction, but when push comes to shove, each of you pursue activities that serve your individual interests and behave without accountability to each other. In other words, your oars are rowing in different directions.

In contrast, you know you are a team when you are a group that shares a few core values and pursues a measurable goal that will define the team’s success. Once a measurable team goal is set and values identified, each of you ensure every person on the team understands how to behave according to those values and is held accountable to do so. Further, you understand how each person contributes to achieving the team goal through individual competencies (e.g., ability to build consensus, drive for results, etc.) or technical expertise.

“Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.” — Casey Stengel

2. There is low trust or no trust.

With little or no trust, members of your so-called “team” withhold their best and secretly look for ways to “win” at someone else’s expense without regard to a common goal.

Team trust is strongly correlated with team commitment and follow-through on promises made to each other. To work together effectively as a team, each or you must believe the others have your back. Also, when setbacks occur (and they almost always occur), you have to believe/trust everyone else is doing his best. This helps your team avoid the blame game and to get back on track quickly.

3. There is not a clear path to achieve the team goal.

When you only have a destination but no map to get there, a group of individuals will spend precious time wasting uncoordinated effort in different directions.

Mapping the route to achieve the common team goal assists your teammates in understanding how and when all team members’ contributions come together to achieve success. A clear path often includes quick wins to gain momentum and milestones to mark the way.

4. Communication is not open, honest, and transparent.

If people on your “team” are more concerned with withholding information and opinions while masking what they really see happening, team accountability and effectiveness are severely hampered.
To behave as a team, you must communicate in a forthright manner to get on the same page, to stay on the same page, to coordinate action, and to hold each other accountable to team commitments and values.

5. “Team” members are overly focused on their own contributions, wins, and reputations.

Ever seen a scoring basketball player point to the teammate who passed him the ball? Acknowledging contributions by teammates reinforces the notion that each person’s success is dependent on the contributions of others, no matter how small or behind-the-scenes. No one does it alone. Recognizing each other’s contribution to the team fosters better relationships and, in turn, more trust.

What Top Leaders Know about Eliminating Frustration at Work

beliefs Did you know that most of the drama going on in your workplace started with a thought that probably isn’t even true?

When you accept your thoughts as true, they become beliefs, even if they are untested, inaccurate, and flat-out false. You make up a lot of stuff about what’s going on in the world based on your beliefs.

When beliefs are connected to an emotion, you act on them whether they are objectively true or false. An employee who believes her manager is out to get her might feel fear and behave disrespectfully toward her supervisor or refuse to meet with her. A manager who believes she is not knowledgeable or is unprepared may feel threatened and behave in a manner that is overly aggressive or perhaps dismissive of others. If employees believe senior management is clueless, they might feel insecure and find other jobs, resulting in higher than average turnover for a company or contributing to a culture of passive aggressiveness where employees pretend to go along but actually subvert company goals.

Thus, although you like to think of yourself as a rational, logical being, you are closer to the “dumb, panicky dangerous animal” described by the character Kay in the 1997 film Men in Black. You allow your emotions (based on your beliefs) to dictate your behavior without investigating the degree to which your beliefs are supported by factual data.

“People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.” Men in Black

In the end, you may end up manipulated by your beliefs and act like someone you don’t necessarily want to be.

To test your beliefs, a process like that pioneered by Byron Katie is a good place to start when examining issues or people that really frustrate you. Use these steps to start unpacking and eliminating these frustrations:

Describe the Frustration as Judgmentally as Possible. For example, “I’m frustrated with my team because they are so incompetent that I need to babysit them all the time or else nothing will get done.”
Take Stock of Your Behavior. What do you do or say when you believe this thought? Maybe you micromanage your team. Maybe you talk down to them or berate them.
What’s the Payoff? How is this thought serving you, your team, or your company? What are the positives that come from having this thought?
What are the Facts? What data supports the truth of your thought? Is there any data to suggest your belief is false regarding this frustration?
Other Possibilities. How would you act if you believed the opposite of your current frustrating thought?
Alternate Feeling or Emotion: Instead of frustration, what feeling would you rather have regarding this situation?
It’s Your Choice: Who do you want to be in this situation – the person who believes the thought or the person who doesn’t believe this thought? Is there a productive reason to keep believing this thought?

Firebrand Consulting

Leadership & Executive Coaching | Systemic Team Coaching